Lady Raven Sliver Moon-Dripping’s Guide to Wicca 101

Many things have become more fashionable of late, and that includes our name Wicca.  Fortunately, through much ignorance and sticking of hands in ears, we have overcome and banished those icky dark elements out of our religion.  Sex, death, shadows, hard work and actually learning are now banned from our circles forever!  We can now concentrate on goodness and light and that nothing will never ever hurt us.  For you see, it’s only when one acknowledges these yucky things, that’s when they come and get you.  They only have power if were aware of them, so we’ll try ignoring them.  Of course, some will saw one could try ignoring death but it still comes and gets you, but that’s a different thing entirely!

Now, for my students that know me.  I used to advocate working in covens.  I mean what better way is there.  Let everyone else do the hard work for you, while you sit on your pillow and eat the feast.  That’s why I also told my students that they must become High Priests and Priestess.  I mean really, what does a HP/HPS do anyway?  They stand in the center and everyone else talks and runs around.  That’s how it should be.  When one gains such a title, one shouldn’t have to do anything.  You deserve to be the center of attention. The hard part is trying to convince people you need that position in the first place.

But sadly, times have changed.  These covens are trying for the most part to stick to rules and traditions.  Some still even whip naked, kneeling blindfolded initiates!  How perverted is that!  Some of us don’t want to deal on the fact that old Gardner was a pervert and a dead beat Satanist.  We were trying to alter these covens.  Trying to make them see that all this effort really didn’t have to be put forward.  But alas to no avail.  They actually want to only use deities that come from the same culture.  I tried explaining to them that Celtic and Roman deities were all friends, but they declined to acknowledge this bond.  They insist on reading books, and learning things and testing knowledge.  They didn’t seem to understand that all powers in the world are here to help us.  No one wants to harm humans!  That’s why we can call down on anything – why need to control it?  And besides we don’t call on those black powers anyway. 

Now, I have one word for you – solitary.  Yep, solitary.  That’s the way to go.  I used to think that because you were by yourself that you would actually have to put forth some kind of effort, but I was wrong.  There is a first time for everything, I fear.  See, when you are solitary, there’s no one else to monitor you.  No one can say with any authority that you aren’t a Witch.  And the best part is, that you don’t have to answer to anyone.  There’s no traditions!  None of that sex stuff or Great Rites to be performed.  You don’t have to go nude.  (Unless of course you have a body like mine and want to give it a go anyway.  Make sure to leave the blinds up on windows that face out on busy streets for full effect). 

The best part is – you can do whatever you want.  Just call yourself an Eclectic Solitary Wiccan and off you go.  You can mix any religion systems you want, just as long as it sounds good.  A friend of mine, Lady Squatting Horse told me that one time in ritual she invoked four Goddesses from four different pantheons!  I mean, you’ll never find that in a coven will you.  They tend to be sticks in the mud, only going with one pantheon. 

But above all else, don’t go to open circles etc.  Especially with covens you aren’t particularly familiar with.  Not only will they give you are hard time when you show up in your cotton candy pink and purple robes and tell you that you are fluffy bunny, but strange things happen.  My friend Lady Squatting Horse went to one of these so called open circles.  I warned her against it, telling her that many of them do drugs and have orgies and that something might happen.  But she didn’t listen (like most of my students, alas) and went off.  After they finished laughing at her robes, which of course are native to her path and should be taken very seriously, they invited her to be the HPS for the night.  Theirs had taken ill and could not perform the duties.  They hadn’t know what they were going to do, until Lady Squatting Horse showed up proclaiming her HPS qualifications.  Things went along okay until the HP began to Draw Down the Moon into Lady Squatting Horse.  She almost screamed, or so she told me.   She claims that something invaded her body and she had felt a foreign substance try to take over her.  She didn’t know why after a few seconds the other ‘Wiccans’ started laughing at her.  I do.  They drugged her!  I warned her not to go.  I warned her something bad would happen if she went out, especially on a full moon.  I mean, a full moon always brings out the loonies and one should spend the night locked safely indoors.  If the Gods had wanted us to follow the moon, they would have given us some sort of protection!

So, above all else, avoid other Wiccans!

I used to include all sorts of materials about casting circles, and commanding watchtowers and deities and such.  But now, none of that is really needed.  You don’t need to look like you know what’s going on in the circle.  Because now, only you are in the circle.  You get to say what’s right and what’s not!  All those annoying rites, such as casting that damn circle can go right out the window.  Who really needs a giant circle carved out on your floor by your broad blade sword anyway?  It’s hell on the carpet and under-flooring.  You don’t have to get rid of the sword, I mean what Wicca would be complete without her sword, but that circle is gone forever  It used to be used for something important, but since I can’t remember what it is, then it must not be essential anymore.

So just remember, you can decide what and where and when you are going to practice.  Don’t let anyone tell you that you are not a real Wiccan.  They are the ones that don’t know what’s going on.  Probably too turned on by whipping to care.  You can now do whatever you like.  You can even take parts of opposing religions and throw them in.  Really, what’s wrong with adding a little bit of Christianity to your practices anyway?  It’s not like they don’t agree with us.  They worship something too.  Can’t we all just get along?

In closing, you now have the power to make up your own 101 guide!  You don’t need me anymore.  Actually, I do think something might be wrong here.  I’m going to need think about this.  I’ll get back to you all.  Don’t do anything until you hear from me.  And I mean ANYTHING!  I’ll know if you’ve been running around chanting or playing princess in your robes.  So sit in terror, I should have this figured out in a month or two. . .